MAY

23.
Palestinian/Cuban.
Big city lights, Cliffs, Boulders and Rock faces.
The real world that no one told you about as a kid.

Woke up on Valentine’s day, alone in bed… heard his voice, so I got up and looked around and he has been playing video games all morning… yeah, happy Valentine’s day to you too… this is why o don’t expect anything from people„

Why do I always care more?…

I wish I could be the one that seems to not care or miss anyone. I wish I could be the one receiving the messages saying “I miss you next to me at night” or “I miss your cute face” hell, i’ll even take an “I miss you baby”. I don’t want to feel like I need attention, sometimes I just feel like I should just be given the attention… 

Most nights

Most nights I wish I could feel like I could conquer the world. I wish certain things in my past never happened the way that they did. I wish things would unfold easier for me and karma wouldn’t be such a bitch to me. I honestly wish that I knew why I felt so low about myself. I constantly feel like I am not enough for anything. I have no job still, i feel insecure around my boyfriend and my family is upset about my decisions. I wish I could wake up every morning and say “fuck you bitches” to every single girl out there that makes me feel like I dont have it together, or that I am physically not pretty enough. Talking to my boyfriend last night made me realize everything that I really wanted. I want to be the person that has it together and right now, my world keeps falling apart. 

Self.

It makes me feel bad, but sometimes, if not most of the time, I feel so self concious about myself that it depresses me. It doesn’t matter about how many people on the street call me beautiful or pretty or whatever it doesn’t make me feel any different. I still look at models and want the long legs and the skinny stomach and the thought of working out and doing the work to get to it is do-able, but at the same time, it’s upsetting that my body type won’t ever be like that. Everyone tells me that my body is amazing, but every time I look at photos online, no matter who it is, it makes me want to change something about myself. I need to learn to get over it, it’s just more difficult than anyone can imagine. I really just need some good pep talks and some good times to roll around the corner… 

Late night thoughts :

Honestly, if I could change one thing about myself it would be my insecurity of trusting. I thought about it the other night and I found that I havn’t been able to trust many people in my life. Honestly, I haven’t been able to trust anyone other than my best friends… I wish I was never like this. It has ruined every single relationship that I have ever been in, and continues on in my current one. I don’t understand why I  have such a big issue… All I know is that I need to get over this immediately before it ruins this one too.. 

Tomorrow..

I start my first job which is at a fancy Sushi resturant in St.Petersburg. I am so bittersweet about it. I know that I am going to be making so much money it’s going to be amazing, but at the same time I am pretty much moving away from home for at least the Summer. This is pretty rough on me because St.Pete is so beautiful and filled with art and great people, but on the other hand my father is upset with me because I didn’t tell him that I was looking for a job here. 

I am so split, but at the same time I need to start doing things for myself and making myself happy, although lately it’s been tough for me to enjoy everything because I honestly wasn’t expecting to really have a job within the week of me being here. 

I would really appreciate it if people could help me out and support me through this transitional time in my life<3